A few months ago, I was holding a grudge against someone. It wasn’t for any good reason except that I was jealous of them and insecure. (I hate when people are vague about the details but I’m going to do it right now so bear with me.š)
I’m really good at the illusion of turning my feelings off and pretending like everything is fine when it’s not. At least that’s what I tell myself. The reality is, I’m in denial and I generally have a “come to Jesus” moment where I have to forgive the person. Afterwards, I finally feel better instead of dying inside from my “everything’s fine” masquerade. Most recently when all of my bitter grudge holding was going on, I happened to be out of town on vacation.
My husband and I were talking on the way home when I came to the realization that I was resentful. I’m pretty sure I said something like, “So THAT’S why I felt like crap!”. šĀ ResentmentĀ was affecting my overall mood and my sleep. That night after I recognized that I was bitter and released those emotions, I slept like a baby.
I’m not a perfect person. (Case in point, my last 3 blogs have dealt with revelations after dealing with insecurities.) But one thing I do know is holding something against someone is not productive in any way shape or form.
Bitterness and resentment cannot be compartmentalized. It always has a way of spilling over from one area to another. It’s a virus. What starts in one relationship spills over into the way you treat your spouse, children, friendships, work relationships etc.
For me, I know that I’m holding a grudge when I think about that person or happen to see them and feel like I have a pit in my stomach. I literally feel sick.Ā I’m not going to pretend likeĀ letting go is easy.Ā I tell myself that it is not beneficial for me to hold anything against anyone and that I forgive them. My emotions don’t always follow along at first. The more I tellĀ think about forgiving them, even saying it aloud at times, eventually I feel better. Sometimes it takes a day, a week or even months depending on the situation but I’m committed to do it.
In those situations, there are times whereĀ I just want to be mad or I feel like the other person deserves to feel my wrath but the truth is I’m ultimately hurting myself the most. I’m trying to live my best life and unforgiveness doesn’t fit in that equation.
Can anyone else relate? I’d love to hear your thoughts on bitterness, resentment, grudge holding & forgiveness. Comment below!